new inspirations.

So, I'm back after a few months of being MIA.
I had a mixture of writer's block and... too many other things.

Here's a quick update:
1. I've stopped lactating. Thank the gods of milk.
2. I joined a gym, and have since lost about 32 lbs.
3. My boobs have shrunk to a C!
4. I came out to my mom and one aunt as trans. (full story to come)
5. I'm going on hormones to stop my menstrual cycle because it makes me violently sick.
6. My mom is going to help me find an endocrinologist that can help me make decisions about T.
7. I'm in a bi-polar II depressive state. It fuckin' sucks.
8. I went for a Breast MRI. I have Fibrocystic Breast Disease. I could care less at this point.
9. I washed my chest binder and it disappeared. I'm sad. It was expensive and effective.


Okay my meds are kicking in. Bedtime. I'll be on vacation with the family for awhile but i promise a real update when I return.

peace&love
hayden

got milk?

i am lactating.

rewind.

i had a little scare with the lump in my right breast.
it had gotten bigger and began to hurt more than usual.
so i went for another ultrasound and mammogram.
they said it's definitely benign however i should see a breast surgeon.
more doctors. fun.

then

i find that i am leaking, from my breasts. leaking milk.
turns out the medicine i am taking for anxiety increases the levels
of prolactin, a hormone that is high in pregnant women, hence the lactating.
needless to say i am no longer taking that medication after tonight.

i am hoping that the pain from the lump may have something to do with this lactation.
we'll see.

i find the entire situation hysterical.
i hope that this brightens your day.

lactating. hah.





p.s. don't forget to check out my educational link on the term transgender, and don't hesitate to ask questions if i confuse you. part of me starting this blog was to educate my friends by talking about being trans on a personal level.

D

let me apologize for my lack of blogging.
unfortunately i was [deathly] ill with an upper respiratory infection.
it was nasty. i am of course still not over it but i am finally capable of sitting at a computer long enough to form coherent thoughts.

when we last "spoke" i was waiting for a chest binder to arrive, and so it has.
i was, to say the least, disappointed. it does the same as my small sports bra. it does however feel more comfortable than the bra. i've concluded that there is only so much you can do to hide D's.

bottom line: i need to lose weight (in my tits).

monday i'm going to the tae kwon do school where my high school teacher works. there are adult beginner classes at 11am on tues and thurs. i think i will sign up for those even though i was a green belt. i technically could start with the higher belts but i don't remember much. and by much i mean anything.

i'm hoping this will help my self-everything.

i want my chest binder to arrive!

hookah hormones.

i was out with my bestests last night smoking hookah
when i decided it would be really cool to have a beard.

hormones have been on my mind a lot lately.

i'm not sure but i guess my current situation (having lots of free time)
has given me the opportunity to think about being transgender.
and my new therapist has helped me explore it a bit too.

the biggest problem- having children.
how will hormones effect my already not-so-good chances of having children?
would the hormones ultimately make me feel more comfortable being me?
how badly do i want to carry a child?
is it worth waiting -say- 20 years before i can take them?
would other options -adoption, etc- be just as fulfilling to me?

other issues-
my family
my current recovery
interaction with my meds?
money
will any of my relationships be affected?

now let me say i will be the first to admit that definitely need to do my research
by no means do i know enough about hormones to make a decision yet.
but i think it might be a good idea to start looking into it.


p.s. thank you blogspot for your autosave feature.

the binding bind.

today i spent an hour in front of my mirror
with ace bandages,
countless sports bras
(all smaller than my actual size),
and duck tape.

i wasn't brave enough to try the duct tape.
and the ace bandages proved to be very difficult
to wrap around my own chest.
i contemplated asking someone to help me
try different binding methods.

my options:
-a family member- yeah right.
-my best friends- both female and straight.
i have a feeling that might be slightly awkward for them.
-a trans friend- the only one i know well enough to ask is not an option.
-a close lesbian friend- hmm. too much sexual tension there.
no idea how she would feel about that. even though i wouldn't mind.

so i guess that means i'll just have to give it another shot.
maybe my arms will get longer by then.

in the end, i chose a sports bra, a size XS under armour shirt, and a gray sweater.
i felt decently comfortable.