D

let me apologize for my lack of blogging.
unfortunately i was [deathly] ill with an upper respiratory infection.
it was nasty. i am of course still not over it but i am finally capable of sitting at a computer long enough to form coherent thoughts.

when we last "spoke" i was waiting for a chest binder to arrive, and so it has.
i was, to say the least, disappointed. it does the same as my small sports bra. it does however feel more comfortable than the bra. i've concluded that there is only so much you can do to hide D's.

bottom line: i need to lose weight (in my tits).

monday i'm going to the tae kwon do school where my high school teacher works. there are adult beginner classes at 11am on tues and thurs. i think i will sign up for those even though i was a green belt. i technically could start with the higher belts but i don't remember much. and by much i mean anything.

i'm hoping this will help my self-everything.

i want my chest binder to arrive!

hookah hormones.

i was out with my bestests last night smoking hookah
when i decided it would be really cool to have a beard.

hormones have been on my mind a lot lately.

i'm not sure but i guess my current situation (having lots of free time)
has given me the opportunity to think about being transgender.
and my new therapist has helped me explore it a bit too.

the biggest problem- having children.
how will hormones effect my already not-so-good chances of having children?
would the hormones ultimately make me feel more comfortable being me?
how badly do i want to carry a child?
is it worth waiting -say- 20 years before i can take them?
would other options -adoption, etc- be just as fulfilling to me?

other issues-
my family
my current recovery
interaction with my meds?
money
will any of my relationships be affected?

now let me say i will be the first to admit that definitely need to do my research
by no means do i know enough about hormones to make a decision yet.
but i think it might be a good idea to start looking into it.


p.s. thank you blogspot for your autosave feature.

the binding bind.

today i spent an hour in front of my mirror
with ace bandages,
countless sports bras
(all smaller than my actual size),
and duck tape.

i wasn't brave enough to try the duct tape.
and the ace bandages proved to be very difficult
to wrap around my own chest.
i contemplated asking someone to help me
try different binding methods.

my options:
-a family member- yeah right.
-my best friends- both female and straight.
i have a feeling that might be slightly awkward for them.
-a trans friend- the only one i know well enough to ask is not an option.
-a close lesbian friend- hmm. too much sexual tension there.
no idea how she would feel about that. even though i wouldn't mind.

so i guess that means i'll just have to give it another shot.
maybe my arms will get longer by then.

in the end, i chose a sports bra, a size XS under armour shirt, and a gray sweater.
i felt decently comfortable.

thoughts.

i have a nice outfit for tonight,
i'm excited.

lately the biggest problem has been my ass.
its hard to wear guys jeans with a huge ass and pass.
even though i don't really know if i want to pass.
i guess i wouldn't be much of a genderfuck at all then.
but genderfuck for me is more about my total disregard for gender.
i think it's completely useless and discriminatory.
and passing for me is more about not being treated like a female (society's stereotypical female)
i want to be judged on character and personality, not my tits.
but in a hetero-normative society my facial features and clothing choice don't match up.
some people are just ignorant.
maybe 2009 will bring about the dawn of a new era, where trans people are treated just like kelly the cheerleader with her gucci bag, uggs and perfectly highlighted straight hair.
then people won't mind when they see me in my steel toe boots, spikey hair, and button down shirt.
yeah right.

happy new year.
don't drive drunk.

booby.

i've really been hating my breasts lately.
with all my weight gain they must be at least a D now.
and the whole two sports bras and 3-sizes-too-small underarmor shirts
do an okay job of holding them down, but it's not the best as far as comfort goes.
and occasionally it's slightly hard to breathe.

i seriously need to start working out again.
i think feeling comfortable about my weight might help be feel a little better about my body.
it would be easier to hide my breasts and ass and curves.
that would be nice.